My Original poem based on Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese poem (see 6/16/14 post)

You do not have to do what they want you to do

You do not have to be what they want you to be

You only have to follow your own heart.

Tell me about your fear…

As you leap into your own direction.

Meanwhile take naps and listen

To the tune of your purpose

Meanwhile become awake and note the song you are…

Next steps…

You only get one life,

One lyric – to live.

Leave rules to the deceased;

You’ll only persevere for that which is your own,

The rest is pressure in the tune of them not you,

Each day – become free

Do what you were created to do.    
                          
This poem is entitled Be Free and I created it using an unblocking writing exercise with the framework of Mary Oliver’s poem Wild Geese. The poem is designed to take the reader on a journey of mental freedom starting with affirmations similar in tone. The poem arose from an emotion of frustration within the system of itinerant ministry. A few months ago I was ordained as an Elder in the African Methodist Episcopal Church and one of the Pastors told me that I am now a prisoner of the AME Church. What a paradox, you are free as an itinerant to have a boundless ministry yet you are still bound by man’s rules, procedures and whims. This has created an internal dilemma for me. How much of my soul do I give to God and how much am I supposed to give to the church? The answer may be all to God and never sell your soul even to the church, yet you would think that the church holds the Book of Life the way they can make demands of clergy. To be a clergy member one has certain responsibilities, but should that responsibility come at the expense of losing your family because you spend more time at church than with your spouse and children. Should it come at the expense of losing your personal dreams because you are more invested in meeting the vision of the church? I only get one life, you only get one life- do you want to spend your entire life telling other religious congregates to go out and live their lives or would you rather exemplify what it means to live life abundantly. I fear that some clergy only feel that they were created to preach behind a pulpit- how restricting that must be. I would want to ask them what they are afraid of.

If your life experience is only predicated around what you do for the church, then what value do you bring to the Kingdom of God outside of the four walls of the church? I was created to soar beyond those four walls, to work in the children villages in Guatemala, to walk with children in search of water in Sub-Saharan Africa, to bring advocacy to the dalits in India, to teach life skills behind prison walls. I was created to use this one life to sing songs of justice through my actions for those inside and outside of the church. Life is only what you make it, so each day we must ask God what we are created to do today.

My pastor recently told me that he prays the Lord’s Prayer differently than most. He says with a loud voice and a foot stomp “Come thy Kingdom, Done thy Will.” Stating the prayer in this manner and removing the repetitive word “thy” made the prayer less passive in tone. In this manner we are giving God a directive as well as saying God do what you want to do in my life and only your will and opinion matters.  

Wild Geese (Mary Oliver)

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.


Reflection: Genesis 1:24-25 (MSG) God spoke: “Earth, generate life! Every sort and kind: cattle and reptiles and wild animals—all kinds.” And there it was: wild animals of every kind, Cattle of all kinds, every sort of reptile and bug. God saw that it was good.

 All my life I have heard- you are such a good child; your parents must love to have you as a daughter. The latter part of this statement may be accurate, but I have become increasingly concerned with being defined as good. Good was the daughter who never sat on the front porch steps because my father said sitting on cold steps would cause hemorrhoids. Good was the child who adhered to staying in a child’s place yet she watched her friends silently experiment with sex and drugs. Good was the granddaughter who would eat her carrots because grandma said it would turn my pupils a prettier and lighter color.  Good was the child who never went outside to play because my parents were fearful that the next bullet flying down the street would have my name on it. Good is the child that stayed close to home rather than travel far for college at the bequest of a dependent family member. Good was the student who sat in the classroom with questions circling her mind about the lesson plan but was taught never to question the teacher. Good was the little girl who agreed that everyone besides those in her Pentecostal connectional church was on their way to Hell when in her heart she was plotting with God how to sneak her Jehovah Witness cousin into heaven one day. Good meant I was safe to the extent of being invisible to some and a mechanical dummy to others. I have become so programmed that even as an adult I apologize to God for the slightest thing; whether I drop food on the floor, stub my toe or make a mistake during a presentation I have valued being blameless over the course of my life that my automatic language is of lingering guilt or despair when I do something that is not good enough. Have you ever loss yourself in the peculiarities of small concerns and realized when you are done sacrificing yourself on the altar of sanctification that valuable time spent not laughing, not having fun, not taking risks, not loving, not giving, not living freely has past you by? As Oliver puts it- “tell me about despair…meanwhile the world goes on.”

 But Mary Oliver opens her Wild Geese poem with the saying- “you do not have to be good.” But then suggests that we are called to be wild. In the creation story God says the earth would bring forth living creatures and God included the wild things and called them good. Therefore, to be good does not easily translate into being wild, but to be wild is to be good. Oliver presents a beautiful depiction of geese flying from mountain tops, across landscapes and into low valleys with deep trees in sight on their way home. To be a goose is one thing, but to be a wild goose adds to your character. Geese, although transient, adapt to their surroundings. They can be noisy at times, especially in team formations during flight but also on the ground or in the water. They are usually leading one another over or through nature. And to be wild suggests that the geese are independent of restrictions on their habitat. To be wild is to be free from the myths told to you by your parents, by the church even yourself. Oliver’s poem suggests the metaphor that the world calls to us like wild geese, harsh and exciting. Moreover, the world is calling us home and into a type of family system. I take this more so as the world calling us, humanity, back into relationship with nature; back into our original place as a created wild thing that is independent of rules and myths that cloud the conditions of our trajectory and prohibit flight times. In what ways has the world been calling to you? If the world provided you room to do anything this day, no restrictions, what would you do?

 Prayer: Inspector God, search my body, my wings, and my beak for any impurities. Forgive me for remaining sedentary when you created me to soar. Animal loving God teach us to be what you created us to be; if it is to be tame- then let it be, if it is to be wild – then let it be. Wild Holy Spirit open our arms to accept the fullness of life; help us not to be knocked out of the skies of our possibilities because of fear, guilt and loyalty to traditional values that have soaring requirements. Let us be – free.

“The First Book” by Rita Dove 

Open it. 
Go ahead, it won’t bite. 
Well…maybe a little. 
More a nip, like. A tingle. 
It’s pleasurable, really. 
You see, it keeps on opening. 
You may fall in. 
Sure, it’s hard to get started; remember learning to use 
knife and fork? Dig in: 
you’ll never reach bottom. 
It’s not like it’s the end of the world – 
just the world as you think 
you know it.

Rita Dove’s poem “The First Book” (above) offers students insight into how reading could change their life. Dove states that the poem came after a visit to her daughter’s school and discovering how many youth were averse to reading. I too share her dismay as a previous teacher. I found that students in our present context, especially African American students in poor urban contexts are either afraid to learn or refuse to believe that learning will help them reach their goals. But then I question myself and ask, are they not reading because we have not provided them with SMART goals; goals that are simple, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely? Most youth want success and they want it now because they feel as though they have the talent. But have we first recognized that talent then taught them how to strengthen that talent? Have we provided them with books on that talent? The rationale that the generation of Blacks before their time fought for an opportunity to go to school is no longer a resolution for them to become invested in reading or their education when economic times are hard youth need finances to support their families more quickly than they can obtain by growing through 12+ years of education. However, in Dove’s poem, she validates the challenges and anxieties that getting started on something new brings and pinches the curiosity bone that is in all of us to take a risk and see what will happen if we allow ourselves to fall into a new adventure of words. She uses a metaphor that digging into a book is similar to digging into a meal with a knife and fork- echoing her sentiments that reading is like eating. The use of short punctuated phrases allows the student to feel like reading is a stop and go process and that it is okay to break up the length of the story for breath, but know that when you get interested it is difficult to stop reading, which is noted by her changes in punctuation and no punctuation in some cases. 

Because Dove has a way of bringing out political issues in her poetry, I would like to see a poem by her on her views of the American educational system today. I would like to ask her what she believes are the reasons youth no longer care to read or to receive an education. Dove ends this poem by saying that world as they know it may end, which may inspire some but may appear unrealistic for others. Change for most youth today, especially in urban communities, is an everyday adventure that they may not want to relive in a novel unless the change is for the better. The kids I taught had to take care of their younger siblings due to either an absent parent from long work hours or substance abuse so yes they would love to have a different life but that change is more systematic than a turning of a page. When would they have time to read – what then becomes their metaphor for eating because reading or eating may not be an everyday occurrence for some of them.

In taking some pointers from Dove spiritual exercises, I would create a spiritual exercise for myself and sit in one a class of students in an elementary school or even in Sunday school and observe the conflicts of reading students display. Then offer the students, especially those who were more challenged with reading to get out their internal thoughts in color, in painting, in writing then put words to what they drew, colored or wrote. Spiritually, sometimes it can be tough to read when your mind cannot process another word beyond hunger pangs, beyond the doubts that God will rescue your family from poverty or violence, beyond the words that were screamed at you while getting dress for school- placing ourselves in the place of our children will help us articulate and see spiritual and physically what they are in need of. 

The Place I want to get back to (Mary Oliver)

is where
    in the pinewoods
      in the moments between
        the darkness

and first light
    two deer
      came walking down the hill
        and when they saw me

they said to each other, okay,
    this one is okay,
      let's see who she is
        and why she is sitting

on the ground like that,
    so quiet, as if
      asleep, or in a dream,
        but, anyway, harmless;

and so they came
    on their slender legs
      and gazed upon me
        not unlike the way

I go out to the dunes and look
    and look and look
      into the faces of the flowers;
        and then one of them leaned forward

and nuzzled my hand, and what can my life
    bring to me that could exceed
      that brief moment?
        For twenty years

I have gone every day to the same woods,
    not waiting, exactly, just lingering.
      Such gifts, bestowed,
        can't be repeated.

If you want to talk about this
    come to visit. I live in the house
      near the corner, which I have named
        Gratitude. 

Reflection: Gen 1:31 God looked over everything he had made; it was so good, so very good!

May 12, 2014 is a big day because I will be graduating from seminary. Tuition is paid; I received my cap and gown, now all I have to do is complete my final exams. A friend recently inquired if I tried on my cap and gown. With a scowled face I replied, I cannot try on my graduation garments until I pass my final exams. She did not understand; she was confused as to why the excitement of this upcoming moment in my life did not overcome my overwhelming fear of finishing exams. Knowing my work ethic since grade-school, she replied, “You know you’ll get everything done, you always do.” Although I agreed with her in my mind, I retorted- “you do not know that, just hope I complete everything in time.” Why was that my attitude? For the same reasons I do not like people to say “your brother will make a full-recovery” or “you’ll do great” or “you’ll get that opportunity.” There are no guarantees in life! I am more concerned that positive words would jinx my life rather than add value to my life so I aim to stay in a balanced place between slightly negative and slightly positive, which I would describe as being hopeful. Growing up in a household where the worst case scenarios were presented to control one’s behavior, I did not learn an alternative way of thinking; thus instead of living out of a place of hope, I lived out of a place of fear. Therefore, I trained my mind not to become too excited about most things because good things never last too long or progress may never actualize in the way in which you had hoped because at times it feels as if failure and death are more real and more frequent than success and life.

But as I read Mary Oliver’s poem The Place I want to get back to, I realized I do not even know this place to begin with; I yearn to get to this place called Gratitude. Oliver is a master at taking one on a journey, with no end in sight, until an abrupt punctuation that brings reason for pause and contemplation. What could exceed the moment when one is embraced by the very essence he/she has opened themselves up to? What do you do when you have experienced a moment that could never be repeated in the same manner? How does one’s lifestyle change when an attitude of gratitude is attached to their abode? The Bible often uses the metaphor of the house or temple for the physical body. Knowing that, I will ask the last question in a different way- How does one’s lifestyle change when you embody gratitude? For Oliver, gratitude is being open to the basic moments of the day.

I recently watched Dr. Brené Brown on Oprah’s Supersoul Sunday and they were discussing her research on living a wholehearted life. She stated that the cultivation of gratitude and joy is the way home.  So the place we need to get to is a place of gratitude in order to experience true joy. Dr. Brown states that the most terrifying human emotion is joy because “when we lose our tolerance for vulnerability joy becomes foreboding.” Therefore, like Oliver we are to sit in every moment in the practice of gratitude. I often wonder if that is what God did. During the moments or days of creation, did God sit back and contemplate after each phase of creation to say “it’s good” as a practice of gratitude for another day to create, another day to provide, another day to breathe life into something, another day to watch the impact of God’s own hands, simply appreciating another day. I have found that fear causes one to swallow the “its good” moments in life. I have found that holding on to the failures and dead moments of life will only cause me to ignore the successes and life-giving moments that embrace me daily.

Prayer:  Painter God, we are grateful for this masterpiece called Day, we thank you for this moment called Time, we thank you for this place called Gratitude. God, the one who breathes life into vulnerable existences, we open ourselves to your spirit of gratitude and we loosen our grip on fear. Blind us with “it is good” moments so we cannot ignore what you are doing in our lives and the life of creation around us.

A Response to Michael S. Glaser's poem "Why I cry at Movies"

Isaiah 43:19 (MSG) This is what God says, the God who builds a
road right through the ocean, who carves a path through pounding waves,
The God who summons horses and chariots and armies--
they lie down and then can’t get up; they’re snuffed out like so many candles:
“Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it? There it is!
I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands.
Wild animals will say ‘Thank you!  —the coyotes and the buzzards--
Because I provided water in the desert,  rivers through the sun-baked earth,
Drinking water for the people I chose, the people I made especially for myself,
a people custom-made to praise me.

Since I began preaching at the age of sixteen, I could never get through a sermon without crying; today I can at least make it to the benediction without crying. There is something about, as Glaser puts it, the hope and promises of God that bring you to tears. However, I have come to realize that my tears are dynamic. My tears when giving a sermon are not the same tears when I come home alone. To question Glaser- what does one do when they cannot see God’s provision of love everywhere?

I cannot pinpoint the moment I converted from horror films and watching wrestling to romantic comedies and watching hallmark movies. I guess when you turn thirty there is a shift in your desires that yields a shift in preferences. I am at the age where most of my friends and family were settled with a spouse and kids. What do you do when love does not find its way to you? The love of God is one thing, but I am no longer of the religious belief that Jesus or God is your spouse. So I too, like Michael Glaser cry at movies, but for me it is usually when there is an expression of love exhibited that I have yet to experience. So “my tears are a dance of joy” but they remain clear water drops because of an empty hope built on a movie, nothing else. When I read the Glaser poem Why I cry at Movies the last two stanzas echoed Isaiah 43 when God’s people are instructed to Look! Stay alert and watch for something new to occur in their lives, in fact the new thing (new love, new opportunity, new relationships, new provisions) are being made available now in the place where you feel most deserted. 

What are you looking for that you do not trust God to provide? Where can you see God even in your personal deserts? How can you be a provision of love, opportunity, or relationship to someone you do not know? What have you beared witness to that affirms God love? In Glaser’s poem, our tears bear witness to God’s goodness.

Another struggle I had with this poem is that my tears also bear witness to injustices that are done in the name of God’s love for a particular group of people or a particular country. Like prophetic literature, Glaser offers positive words of hope followed by a responsibility. It appears that in the final stanza the author prompts the thought that we are the vehicles of expressing God’s love throughout the world; the goodness is in us. If that is the case then I believe we have stunted the mission with expressing God’s vengeance more than God’s love.

Prayer: All-loving God, the one who is an eternal flame, ignite our hearts to spread love to all people. To the God of provision, provide according to our needs and teach us to be full of your provisions even if we do not get all of what we desired.

Thank you for journeying with me- I took a two year Sabbath to finish another degree, care for relatives and discover my voice in all facets of my life. This year, through my writing I will provoke you to do the same. Stay tuned for my Poet-Advocate Blog. In this blog I will discuss social, political and spiritual issues that transcend current social media but are also evident in the artistry of poets from different eras and provide my own commentary, reflections and original poetry responses. 

Enjoy and Comment!

Eh, but yay! Is my response to the last few chaotic weeks I have had. Did I mention that in addition to writing poetry I am a social worker? Well, let’s not stop there because in addition to social worker I also do ministry, and full-time school (which this semester added two wonderful internships to my schedule).  Why am I back in school again after already having a Master’s--- oh yeah --- it’s all about that “calling” thing, man I keep forgetting about thatJ.
Anyway, everyday I’m realizing more and more the effort it takes to consistently and conscientiously choose success over failure, and by failure I simply mean being comfortable with a spirit of complacency. I mean think about it- failure starts with a mindset as does success.
The bible (yes I’m going there) says “…you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. (Philippians 4:8, Message Version)”
Therefore, I’ll choose to think that small beginnings are not futile rather they are building blocks to a great future. I choose to believe that one day people will know my name in the world for something positive. I choose to believe that I can excel at my job and excel in school even when exhaustion falls upon me. I choose to believe that I am worthy to be loved, fought for, and pursued. I choose to believe that I can have what I dream! What is it that you choose to believe or think for yourself today.…

So enough of the chit chat- come check me out for the following open mic dates I have scheduled thus far (if any changes I’ll let you know asap)…

Wednesday, November 16th – Bus Boys and Poets Open Mic Night @ 9pm (5th and K)

Wednesday, December 7th –Bohemian Caverns Open Mic Night @ 8pm (DC)

Sunday, December 18th – Bus Boys and Poets Open Mic Night @ 4pm (14th and V)

Thursday, January 5, 2012 – The Lab at Convergence Open Mic Night @ 7pm (Alexandria, VA)

Thursday, January 12, 2012 –The Potter’s House Open Mic Night @ 9pm (DC)

*Stay tuned for my professional pics coming this weekend- I’m so psyched!!!

Thanks Bill Lee
http://real-lifephotos.com/

~Be the Dream you Choose to Become~
Love, Jenn
www.jenngillyard.com

Dear family, friends, fans, strangers etc lol... My first book "From Dreams Through Wrestlings To Fulfillment" .. whew long title, but self-published, is out for your reading pleasure!! Find it on Amazon or Barnes and Nobles or Purchase right here under my "Book" section for a little cheaper :)) Please purchase and write a review of poems or the book as a whole! I want to know which was your favorite poem, which may you laugh, cry or even mad! Can't wait to hear from you!!
Marketing is tough business!!! But fun! 

More pics and videos from performances to come:)) 

~ Jenn

 

My website is almost complete and I am excited about the Author House putting the final touches on my Book:))